Praying for Cameron... his body, soul and spirit...
...our dear friends...truly suffering...
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/cameronpiorek
that walked past the house the other day asked my daughter why she wasn't playing catch with my son... Before they heard her answer, the walker said" Girls can play catch too...it isn't just a boy game...Did you know that?"
When they walked back by, my boy was playing hopscotch with the girls... The walker then said "Well, if your brother can play a girl-game like hopscotch, you can play a boy-game like baseball..."
It was then that my daughter said, in her matter-of-fact way; "I had already been playing catch with him, I got hurt when the ball hit me. We picked something else to play"
The walker then said "You got hurt? Were you using a mitt?... You're supposed to use a mitt you know... Guffaw Guffaw Guffaw" ... and kept walking, not really listening to her response...
I was listening...
And I was thinking how many Experts walk by our house...
Ironically enough, this was occurring while I was sweeping up the winter's worth of other people's trash and other people's dog waste deposited on our front yard (where the kids play) after a very quick thaw of record breaking snowfall...
It became especially clear to me that in that time and space -
Visible things reveal the invisible things happening all around us...
It is said "it a takes a village to raise a child"...
Assuming it does, one must also expect
the Villiage Idiom...
that:
Perhaps one of the intentions behind the instruction to be generous to others in a way that no-one but G-D can see might be to avoid the exploitation of the soul in the process...Might it also be, then, that the instruction to be diminutive was not meant to flagellate the human spirit, but to preserve it...?
So - Then, based on that line of logic:
What does it mean to be Worship Leader?
Or should I ask " What does it mean to be a worship leader in addition to being a psychological juggler teetering between sincerity and stage?"
One of my favorite Worship Leaders put it well:
"You're a headache with a suitcase - You're a Star..."
Heaven help us...
Perhaps one of the intentions behind the instruction to be generous to others in a way that no-one but G-D can see might be to avoid the exploitation of the soul in the process...
Might it also be, then, that the instruction to be diminutive was not meant to flagellate the human spirit, but to preserve it...?
That's my two mights on the subject...
If a person creates "art" and no-one likes it, is it still good?
I think I'll go sit under a falling tree in the forest and try to figure that out...
Looks like a crash means that we lost a few chapters of the story The Things My Husband Wears (not permanently, just the last few chapters posted here, recently)...
In response to that - and some other stuff I've been thinking, I may just go back to posting regular old stuff for a while, as it seems many readers that drop by here have read it (TTMHW) before...
There are other intriguing stories happening all around me, any-who...
I got married to the only man that I thought I could not live without...Yes - I had been in love before - But this man, Eric - He was undeniably THE ONE... So I packed up my life - and my budding musical career (much to the dismay of a backing band of mine), and went to California.
Eric and I believed that California was where we were being led because this was where Eric was beginning College (being full time on the USST meant postponing full-time education until you were done racing). I had already gone to college, and was working in CT. We wanted to get married right away. We figured that we could, AND be near the Producer (who I had admired since I was a teenager) of my upcoming album, who actually lived in Hollywood (only 1.5 hours from where Eric would be in school)... It was all so logical...
But all these wonderful things we were expecting would fall into place after the marriage and the move - did not do so as we expected - although they did, most certainly, 'fall'...
After having moved to California (and being newly married, all within a week span), I got a phone-call from Joe Paskewich, alerting me that my promised Producer, had just had a heart attack that had nearly taken his life... Joe also said that there was enough serious damage done that required Larry to not do anything but recover for at least a year. Joe sensitively told me that would most likely include dropping me... I was stunned... it was all like a dream I had the very night Larry, in the presence of others including Joe, had offered to produce my next recordings on our way back from Yale...
A few days later When I called the hospital where Larry was, the phone was answered by his brother, I believe - (the one who I met when I had opened for Larry at Yale, only a few months prior). Either way, He confirmed what Joe had said about the seriousness of this heart issue - but then graciously handed to phone on to Larry.
I got to speak to Larry for a brief moment. He didn't know who I was, which should not have surprised me in light of the situation, but still did. I re-explained how we knew each-other. Then I reassured him (at least I was trying to) that I was calling to see if he needed some help - or if there was anything we could do for him... But Larry was so weak he couldn't even talk anymore. He said 'no', thanked me, and then passed the phone over to someone (not sure who it was at that time) who then asked me to not call again...
Grief set in - or dropped in, rather -
like a large meteorite onto a small glass girl ...
It was then that I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and climbed back inside the wardrobe...
Eric's wardrobe that is - not the redemptive one leading into Narnia...
More to come ...
The next few months were filled with happy chaos ... I met Eric, and we fell in love fast ...He proposed after our first conversation ...
He came to my concerts, took my album with him to listen to on race tours and plastered my picture inside his helmet...and we even discussed the possibility of him eventually
using my last name as his own (his idea)- no kidding ...
But - I loved his identity ...World Cup Skier - afraid of nothing, (really)... He was very comfortable with himself, and comfortable with me and the small successes I was having musically...(more than one guy I had dated had told me that if we got married, I would not be able to do music anymore - well - maybe still in children's Sunday School, but ...)
He was so unlike other men I had been around that when we had our first 'confess all' conversation he said
"I don't know how this is going to work -
You are the first Christian girl I have dated...
and I'm the first normal guy you have dated ..."
True ... if "normal" meant solid and secure...(?!)
But to me at that point - he was such an awe inspiring character - that I wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by him ... in every way ... and in keeping with that, when he was away (which he was for most of our very short courtship/engagement), I would wear those ski team clothes everywhere .. (the stuff that said US SKI TEAM - so no one could avoid seeing it ...)
I loved having sponsors names plastered all over me who represented things that I was too timid to try ... Head gear and racing gear - and Kodak props and news stuff ...all very flashy and fun ...Athleticism had never been my strong-suite - but now I was getting surrounded and welcomed in to this wonderful, powerful culture by association...
Ironically, Eric hardly wore the logo stuff ... or would try and be covert about wearing it - he would "dress down" turning the logo clothes inside out etc - trying not to be noticed (and if you have ever met Eric you know what a funny statement that is - and if you really know him, you'd know how interesting a statement it is ) ... He just knew who he was - and who he wasn't ... He would give all his logo stuff away ... Even his medals and ribbons and trophies which his mom and dad would display, he would take down and put in drawers when he would return home... He said that made other people uncomfortable - like they might not talk about their own interests or achievements ...
...And that is right ...
...It even happened to his own wife ...
...More to come...
...that I would soon be singing what he called "spontaneous songs" freaked me out ... I was looking around for people who might be wanting to rescue me from this person... After-all there had been prayer and a mini sermon after the concert (where I was the feature artist) , and there was an invitation for prayer given to any who were having "physical sensations" in response to the message given...and something very real was happening to me...
I happened to be experiencing a strange burning in my throat - and a similar burning in my feet , along with a cool tingling in my hands ...(all very weird and new to me)...and a bunch of the heavyweight ministry team headed my way when I went up for prayer ... I remember thinking it was all very obvious (the interpretations that they were giving) I mean I was a singer - the throat was significant ...the feet thing meant to many of them that I would be travelling the world with this music (which singer doesn't want to hear that?) but the cool hands thing - no one had any idea about .... Then this guy came out of nowhere ... and had something to say ...
He said (and I have a hard copy of it, by request) that when God spoke / gave vision to the prophets in the bible, it was close to them - like looking from one mountain top to the other ..as if you could reach out and touch it ... But many had to realize that they needed to actually go down into a valley and up again in order to get to that mountain top...
The man then spoke many personal words to me, but in the process he told me that I was going to be singing "spontaneously" ...
Remember - this was all new to me (I was in a Plymouth Brethren Church all of my life)...so I had to ask him what that was ...
When he described it I felt faint ...
No music in front of me - No warning to the backing band- no lyric page - no time to practice ... He said I would just know that God was prompting me to say something (sing something) and I would perhaps get a picture or a phrase ...and I would just need to jump into it ...and watch what happened ... He also told me that this was not a time when my brain and spirit were to be inactive (not 'void', in other words - and I was glad to hear that because all my life I had been drilled about that stuff - and about the danger of 'seeking the gifts of the Spirit- and all the trouble it could cause' (more on that later)...
I remember this was exhilarating, but also intimidating...
You see - I was on such a high from the response to my music there - (they were so supportive) and there were so many things opening up for me - They had all just told me that I'd be travelling the world with the music stuff ... I'd been invited to Europe to do some stuff during the Olympic Season ... And then we were to go to Morocco... But here this man was telling me that the fulfillment of all these things (the heat in the throat and feet) would be a long time in being fulfilled... The coolness of hand, perhaps being interpreted ...
Well - I asked him to write it all down (a good practice)
so I could look it over ...
On the following Sunday, an elder of the church asked me what that man had said to me , and I told him (hoping that he would say it was wrong, but instead he told me that this made sense to him - rang right in his spirit ..) He also said that they guy was known for having accurate impressions (word) even though they all sounded so obscure ...
(dammit)
I remember starting to cry - but hiding it ...
All through this - I was trying to be objective ...
In that year- I was just "finding my voice"...
I was a single woman ...
I had just done my first album ... and it was selling well...
I was finally able to sing in coffeehouses and taverns
(when before it had only been plausible doing music
in church settings ...)
I was able to Sing - and people were listening -
some were even "getting saved"
because we were doing the stuff in these non-church settings ...
And it had become my turn to hold the mic...
and to finally hold it
without wearing
...a head covering ...
...More to Come ...
I was watching a television show with my little girls, and there was some advertising for Barbie products. In one commercial, Hillary Duff says to a little girl, "I love your skirt...Where'd you get that?"...as if to imply that she wants one ...Somehow communicating that Hillary feels that if the little girl looks good in it, then that will make her look good too ... and so on ..
I have been asked (not for the same reasons all the time) where I got something, and then the person will comment on wanting something like it ... etc ... Not bad - in and of itself ... I find things I like the same way sometimes..but I'm getting us into a thought ...
Where'd you get that ?
One time a group of us (from the New York Vineyard) went to Toronto to sing (lead worship, actually), and in the middle of worship, I got this heart pounding impulse to sing out a song ...one I had never heard before.
I had done that before (Marie Barnett, along with John, had (unsolicited from me)laid hands on me about this kind of stuff when we had first moved to California, and I had just joined their worship team .... That stuff was completely weird to me back then - but more on that at another time)
So - there we are - and the Toronto Vineyard was full of visitors from all over the world (the laughing thing had been just investigated by Peter Jennings, etc), and there were a lot of folks there, in other words...I think Mike Turrigiano told me 2,000+...
So - At the end of a worship song, the music went wordless for a moment, and I started to sing this word picture that I was 'seeing' ... It was a few stanzas long ...
It was a fairly powerful moment ... I don't completely remember what I sang, really, (they have it on tape, but funny enough I have never gotten to see it)... What I do remember was that when I opened my eyes there were rows of people face-down on the floor, and in the aisles ...
Intense ...
Afterwards, a tall, wide-eyed man
came up to me and said:
"I want what you have" ...
And asked me to pray for him..
and to lay hands on him ...
He was disappointed , because try as I might (the pervasive thought then was that we all prayed for everyone to get what we had and more), I literally could not do it ... and I wrestled with that, because I wanted to believe the guy had the best intentions (and he very well might have)...
Then, of course, I wrestled with wondering if I was being selfish...(that's not outside of the realm of possibilities, either) So - I prayed for him, and prayed for him... (I even found myself praying intensely for his wife) but those words would not cross over my lips...
I kept thinking:
"What I have...
(even if only for that moment)...
does not fit you"...
I have prayed (and laid hands) on a number of people since that incident - to receive anything I have, and more... All in hopes to see the Kingdom of God advance...
And I have had moments of grieving when I have watched them get more notoriety, and have more successes than I have had...
I'm being honest..
I'm not always so noble or Kingdom minded as I desire to be ...and even not always so unselfish that I take complete joy in seeing the higher purposes in other people's lives being revealed, while mine lay in obscurity...
But wars are not fought successfully when the soldiers wear the wrong armor - or march in a battalion that is not their own ...Things get messy and more complicated ... Some soldiers die needlessly ...
I know this , because somewhere not too long ago, I realized that the things my husband wears, do not fit me ...
More to come ...
...do not fit me ....
But I have worn them before ...
When I was lonely for him, and his scent on them made him feel closer ...
When I was exceedingly proud of him, and felt that wearing his things was a way of identifying
with his greatness...
When I thought I needed extra room ...
When the elements were harsh, and his was the only covering within reach ...
When I was more comfortable in garments tailored to fit his shape,
because I was not comfortable in things revealing my own shape ...
When I didnt even recognize my own shape ...
And when I was too tired or poor to find some that actually fit me ....
But the things my husband wears don't fit me ...
They just do not fit me ...
His armor doesn't fit me either ...
And knowing this is good...
More on this to come ...
(PS: None of the above has a thing to do with clothing)
I'm about to RePost The Things My Husband Wears...
I will post chapter by chapter as I did when it was originally written
Yet the upcoming posts are fleshed out a bit more...
Not fleshed out too much more...
But, as the saying goes, 'It aint over til the fat lady sings'...
More to Come...
I took a self-imposed retreat of silence...
For a while I thought I was done writing on this page ...
Mostly because I wanted to concentrate my efforts towards writing more music. I did, and I am, and I’m really proud of my recent work…but…
In the e-silence, I r(e-)learned something about me...
Just like the dream I keep having
- that I’m in my own house and I discover rooms that I never knew existed - the urge to story-tell is innate...
it is fire in my belly, maybe even branded into me, if there is anything to ‘cell memory’, when I was in my mother’s belly…
My Mother is a writer - but she put her pen down years ago to raise children. Along the way she got caught up in the goodness of housework, spouse-work, douse-work (the work-stuff of life that doused the fire in her belly to write) and didn’t pick up that pen again…
Though she still tells her story (at conferences, in women’s groups, etc) she used to love to write… and I would love to see her write again…
Regarding said ‘Douse-Work – I, too, have thrown a bit of water on the alter in my life over the years … and somewhere along the way (and way more than once) I misplaced the keys to my spare rooms…
But - Like a fire, they can be found smoldering in the crawl space between awake and asleep. Writing, in story and song, (and in undiscovered ways that I know exist) is a way to find the fire and put it in the right place before it burns the house down…
I’m attempting re-e-ntry …
Please pardon the smolder…
.
.
So I'll have a reason to stay inside and vacuum ...
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